[Janq]

The following was forwarded to me by Crowbar as was originally featured at OT.
I swear this is so damn funny to read it'll have you in stitches...

Shrine of the Mall Ninja

March 1, 2006

This is a collection of the wisdom posted on the internet by a guy calling himself Gecko45. It all started back at the end of the halcyon summer of 2001, and his posts have created a certain urban legend that many refer to as the Mall Ninja. Hang out at any gun shop, gun show or shooting match and you’ll see one of these guys–you might even see a group of them since they are known to associate in the wild.

The Mall Ninja is easily distinguished by an abundance of “tactical” gear, such as fatigues, a thigh holster (with, of course, a Glock), combat boots, bandolier and other accouterments that you’d usually only see on a SWAT operative. Median age is usually 19-25, and they tend to boast about their various exploits with certain Special Forces units, all of which they’re too young and idiotic to have joined (real Special Forces types don’t brag). They typically have opinions on everything, regardless of expertise, they are uniformly poor shots, and they tend to exhibit a frightening lack of safety training.

The shadowy and shrill figure known as Gecko45 is the holy Dalai Lama of these dolts, but trust me, there are more. Many, many more.

Anyhow, I went looking for the original GlockTalk thread, and I found that it’s no longer archived. For a time, it was mirrored at mallninja.com, but sadly, the site is now down. Luckily, I had a copy of the thread cached (as well as a great one from the HK91 forum), so I figured I’d post it here. I’ve only kept Gecko’s posts (with one hilarious exception), since I don’t have permission from the folks who responded to him, but needless to say, he got grilled. A few folks even “played along” to get a rise out of him.

All in all, good fun. I’ve added emphasis to the parts that deserve particular attention, and a bit of commentary in italics. I’ve left all spelling and grammatical errors intact, painful as they may be.

So, without further ado:
“Am I being careful enough?” from GlockTalk

Gecko45 writes:

hello friends,

Last year I made the decision to trust my life on the street to Second Chance body armor. I got the level IIa because it stops the most rounds. plus I got the Trauma Plate for the front.

What scares me is that, although I can fit an extra trauma plate in the front, I cannot fit a second one in back. As of late I have taken to duct-taping a second trauma plate to the area of my back where the heart and vital organs are located. Then I put my vest on.

Here is the questions. The ducttape solution, although tactically sound, is hot and painful to remove. I would like to go to the single-plate solution in back. What I am worried about is repeated hits to that area with .308 ammunition. I have a high-risk security job and I fear that I would be the target for repeated long-distance shots to my back.

Are any of you aware of a thicker plate that could stop, say, .338 Lapua or something like that? Is there a better way to do the second plate?

BTW, I am, of course, usually carrying a pair of ceramic plates in my briefcase so that I can shield my head. My SO (we work as a team when necessary) has a similar accessory containing a breakdown NEF single-shot 300 WinMag with an 18″ bbl. The plan is that I shield us with my body and “catch the rounds” while she assembles the NEF. I lay down covering fire with my 23 (Bar-Sto .357 Sig barrel) and she makes the long shots. I will then throw smoke grenades to obscure the area while continuing to lay covering fire. The problem, of course, is when I have to turn my back to run, and then the problem crops up.

Thanks!

One poster responded, “If Plan A is to take multiple .338 shots to the back, you really need to come up with a Plan B.” Needless to say, alot of folks started seriously wondering where this guy worked…

Much much more entries can be found as collected and cataloged at; http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/

- Janq

 

[fatcat]

One of the best storys on the internet.

I lost the link to this thanks!

Part about the golf carts made me almost flip over my chair laughing. Trust me its long but its worth reading the whole thing.

 

[Janq]

Return of the Iron Fist of the Mall Ninja

Oh snap there is more...

Return of the Iron Fist of the Mall Ninja
August 12, 2006

A member at the High Road posted a new piece of Mall Ninja lore, this one from MySpace. Personally, I haven’t bothered browsing the forum from which it originated, as it requires an account on MySpace, and well…I only browsed MySpace once, and I felt like I needed to wash my hands afterwards. No thanks.

Anyhow, here it is, verbatim. For posterity, I’ll leave the poor punctuation and grammar intact, as they typify this sort of writing.

Hello All.

I am new to this group; however I am not new to carrying [a firearm]. I have been carrying for awhile now. I have lived my entire life by the traditional Republican values (yes I said I am a Republican and damn proud of it!), the Boy Scout Motto of Be Prepared, and the motto Better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

I carry six guns. All of them are Glocks in .40 S&@ caliber with Night Sights and are bone stock except for some wolf springs. I carry 2 Glock 22s on my right and left hips in C-Tacs, 2 Glock 23s in my Alessi Bodyguard shoulder holster, 1 Glock 27 on my left ankle, and another Glock 27 in my right hand pocket. I also carry some folding knives. I carry 2 Chris Reeves folding knives, both of them are Sebenzas. I carry the small one in the left hand pocket of my 5.11 Tactical pants. I carry the larger one in the mag pocket on the right hand side with a Glock 22 magazine. I carry another 4 Glock 22 magazines behind the guns on my hips. I carry an extra magazine on a mag pouch on my right hip. I also carry a surefire E2E flashlight clipped onto my left hand pocket. You never know when you will need a light. I am going to be carrying 2 pairs of hand cuffs when I decide on a decent manufacturer and holster (suggestions are wanted). For my commo gear (I wasnt in the military but I adopted some of it into my everyday lingo through many CCW courses) I use a Nextel I560 phone in black (dont want to get the yellow one and give my reflection away in case some BG seems me in an alley) and I have a Pager with Skytel service. I also have a Zippo lighter in case I need to make a torch or something if stuck in a Hurricane Katrina situation. I also carry some OC spray (Fox labs if youre wondering)

I just wanted to share some of my experiences. I have been carrying a long time. I remember when I got my first permit. I felt ecstatic. It was an awesome responsibility I was ready to deal with. Not to mention I had been trained for it. I took an intensive CCW class that was several hours in length and have taken a few classes since then. I was like a Police Officer on his first shift. I was so happy that I had been granted the right to carry because there needs to be many more CCWers to help bring crime rates down. It is a heavy burden that we as Sheepdogs have to bear to protect the sheeple.

On my first day CCWing I went on patrol and walked around the entire neighborhood watching things with my hyper sense of awareness. Nobody but other CCWers understands what I am talking about. I walked through the neighborhood and I saw the illegal immigrants sitting on the stoop watching me with a keen eye. I suspect that they were intimidated by my presence (I am 61 and 325 lbs) with a 50 inch waist. I dont understand Spanish but they must have been talking about me.

As a side note, what does Gordo mean?

I continued walking and I saw some gangbangers. There were 4 urban youth (read black kids playing basketball with jerseys listening to crap music err I mean rap music) who were probably carrying illegally. They were talking on someones porch. They looked at me and started talking amongst themselves. One of them called me biggie (some sort of respect thing?) and I kept walking.

As I got further into town I realized I needed to recharge my batteries with some food. I got myself a burrito at the local store. It was being worked by illegals (they are everywhere arent they?) but they make some damn good burritos and nachos. I got a huge super burrito (the kind that are football size) and some nachos with extra cheese and jalapenos. A large soda would wash that down nicely. I brought my food to the table and then got up to fill my soda (it was a self serve soda fountain) when some illegal immigrant gangbanger drug dealers walked in. One of them looked at me and I knew I was in for some trouble. They were probably packing guns. Gangbangers always pack lorcins and hi-points and not quality tactical gear. I made eye contact to let them know that I am hyper aware and that they will not be getting past me should something go down. Those stupid illegal immigrant gangbangers would regret messing with me.

Sure enough they called me a racist name. (Only white people can be racist, stupid racist illegal loving liberals!). I ignored it because I never start trouble when I am CCWing. I just waited in line for the soda machine when one of them pushed me. He wasnt strong enough to push my 345 lb frame. I told him not to touch me and took a defensive posture. I read about it on some tactical forums. Its one Navy SEALs use when going into close quarters combat. (I am not a SEAL or a veteran but I train just as hard with my CCW.) My CCW instructor approved of it and I told the illegal scumbag gangbanger that I would use force to defend myself and my family (who were not there, they dont patrol the neighborhood with me) if he should continue his attack.

They laughed and pushed me again. I pushed back. I threw my weight into it and pushed him into some tables. His other stupid Mexican illegal immigrant friend started saying something in Spanish and he put his hand into his pocket. I reached for the Glock 22 on my right hip and drew. The illegal immigrant took his hand out of his pocket and I told him to get down on the ground. Then I told his buddies to do the same thing. I then proceeded to handcuff the one who pushed me and the bigger of the other two. I then put on some Hatch Cooltac gloves and searched them. All of the employees in the store and the customers started clapping and cheering for me.

Bu not one to neglect my civic duty I had to keep a close eye and my Glock on the other one until my backup arrived. The responding officers came in with their guns drawn and ready to do some wet work. I laughed as once they saw me they put their guns away and I holstered mine. They proceeded to laugh once they saw I had the situation under complete control. They asked my advice on guns and we talked. I told them how I considered law enforcement at one point but I felt the job wasnt my forte. They didnt cuff me or anything and just took a statement. One of them even offered to buy me lunch and I got the number of one of the female officers who responded to the man with a gun call. When will the liberal anti-gunners learn that people like me are able to handle ourselves and act as sheepdogs for them (the sheeple)? Anyway we are going to the range and I am going to show her how to shoot. She also expressed getting her CCW permit. Luckily I have a lot of training and know a lot of people so she will probably taking a class where she will learn to think tactically.

After about 10 minutes of questioning from the cops I was ready to hit the streets again. I continued to walk down the street and check the neighborhood out. I decided that I should probably check the local Dunkin Donuts / Baskin Robbins out. I wanted to stop and rest my tired feet but as a civic minded CCWer I would not shirk my god given responsibilities to protect the neighborhood. I went in and got myself an extra large Peanut Butter and Chocolate malt. As I waited for the ******* to make my malt I noticed one of the officers I saw at the burrito shop. He nodded at me and I sat down at the table next to him. He told me what a good job I did and how much he loved responsible CCWers. I told him that it was just the training from my CCW classes. The whole You default to your level of training thing. He was very impressed and said I would make a fine tac-officer (SWAT for all you non-LEO types). Then he offered to pay for my malt as the ******* guy who worked there called out my order.

That was just one of my many forays into the streets. What made it unique was that it was my first day CCWing. Since then I have become an old hand when it comes to CCWing. I just wanted to share what my first day was like.

http://lonelymachines.org/2006/08/12/return-of-the-iron-fist-of-the-mall-ninja

- Janq

 

[Janq]

It's fake...he's a member at DefensiveCarry.com!!!

Update:

A moderator from DefensiveCarry posted in my thread the following;

[quote='JD' the moderator]
yep, that was a total hoax, the original poster of the material is actually a member here...[/quote]

In that same thread another poster indicated 'Gecko45' is back and has his own sub area for Q&A...

Ask Gecko45, the original Mall Ninja!
Moderator: Gecko45
http://9x19mm.com/forum/viewforum.php?f=14

- Janq loves this guy!!!

 

[brucelee]

OMG! He can't be serious about any of it, can he? I mean... I know it's not real, but does he actually believe himself? Oh man...

What the HELL kind of job would you have to have to be taking multiple 7.62NATO shots to the BACK REPEATEDLY! LMAO! He's not a sniper! That's for damn sure... fat bastard.

 

[global]

it's such a great hoax this guy has going on... should be on somethingawful.com

completely hilarious and such complete nonsense... you need to have one hell of a sense of humor to make that crap up.

one of my favorite parts is their Fast Action Response Team .... FART.