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· Annihilator
4,778 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I've been clinically depressed for like 16 years now (and Im 25), I never really knew what depression was... I just thought all humans were supposed to feel like that... It wasn't till after high school that I went to a doctor and actually got diagnosed with depression. They gave me a pill and well, it made me not want to kill myself every waking moment...

Let me back pedal for a moment... All through my teen years/high school gang wars and such I never feared for my life because I had nothing to lose really... I felt like such shit that I'd prefer death over whatever other option was available in a sense... What I'm trying to say is that nothing can surpass the suicidal... It's a terrible thing, but in a way its so familar that its comforting in a way, so you don't want to lose it... Those columbine kids weren't crazy, they just had nothing to lose. The one thing that kept me from doing anything I wanted was my family... Those kids didn't have loving families, so what worth do they have on this earth? Sometimes I scare myself with thoughts of emptyness and such... I mean, how much lower can you go when you're already at the bottom of the hole? Sometimes I wish I didn't having a loving girl friend, or a loving family to fall back on... I wish I was alone so I could purge myself in a way that the world would recoil. The moments where you just want to explode.

I've never really met anyone that can relate to me mentally other than my best friend Dave... It's like him and I are wired the same way and touch reality in the same sense.... Miki, my GF is new to my life and she understands everything I go through... but there is this thing with Dave that I just connect with... I know Miki understands me, perhaps its because she has been through something like what I have, but its very rare to connect with someone on that level.

I'm just ranting here because I know most of you are good people and perhaps some of you have faced demons that you can openly speak about...

· Premium Member
7,388 Posts
I spent all of k-12 primarily feeling much the same Brucey. Parents were divorced since I was 2 , although relatively ok, they worked so many hours that they were never a part of my life. My really only interested family member was my grandfather but cancer took him before I was a teen.

I had no friends in school. My parents were kind enough to spend the money to send me to a private school, but since I was one of the few blue collar kids I was looked down upon as trash( the fact I have blue blood means nothing in this country). So I spent k-6 just sitting by myself or getting taunted at school. Certain other misfortunes of a private matter also happened, none of which I wish to speak of here in public. I also got shot by a stray bullet in this period...that made me paranoid till this day. Didnt help that the cops and medics laughed at me as they dug a 22 slug out of my upper right ass cheek.

I made a good friend my second year of middle school(from another school) but fate was so kind as to take him away from me in a car wreck under two years later. So for the majority of high school I spent it much the same as before. No one liked me, no one talked to me unless to poke fun. I just burried mtyself in my room with my books and played guitar.I was in a badn with some local kids but we didnt get along well. The only girl who wanted anything to do with me was certifiably nuts and a whore so I spent High School compeltely single without one date.

The few people that I felt were quasi friends my first 3 years of college have all stabbed me in the back and betrayed me. The only person who ever wanted anything to do with me is my Wife who I have known for 5 years but only began really taking an interest in 3 years ago.

So I can understand you man. The only thing that kept me going all those years was the hope that I just might get to see someone I hated pay for their trespasses. Hate for people in general kept me warm and drove me forward and in many ways when I walk around I still have a general contempt for the world. Eventhough I have a few friends, Brucey included, and a Wife who adores me, I am still sad. Sometimes I feel as if I was born in the wrong damned century cause I just dont fit in or feel at home anywhere anymore. It makes me sad to feel like I have no place to belong to, I have felt like that since I was 6 years old. Nothing has ever helped take that away. They put me on so many types of medications after I had a complete breakdown at 10 but all they ever did was make me feel toally numb. I stopped taking them because for some reason I would rather feel that hollow ache inside than numb. Atleast I knew I was alive if I still hurt. I still feel that hollow ache, although it is somewhat alleviated by the fact I have someone who is happy to just be with me. I do sleep better at night knowing I have something in this world that makes sense.
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